This is a post that has been on my mind for months. So many people ask what I eat and how much I exercised, hoping to do the same and shed the pounds. This is great, however so many of us know what to do but it is the actual doing it that is so hard. I could write pages and pages on the mental battle of weight loss, so this will have to be part of a series. I want to start by telling you all something that you may not want to hear. I lost 207 pounds and finally achieved a healthy weight but guess what, I still struggle with food and I always will.
I am a food addict. I started using food for emotional reasons after being raped at 14. Of course I didn’t realize what I was doing at the time but when I look back I remember eating until I passed out. My Mom has always tried to feed us pretty healthy growing up and there really wasn’t a lot of junk food in the house. I should have known I had a problem since even if all there was in the house was cans of lentil soup, I would sneak the soup and a can opener into my room and eat it cold. Then I would have to hide the evidence because I wouldn’t want my mom to know I was eating so much and breaking the rule of no eating in your roo
I would feel so ashamed that I was eating so much, which would make me eat more to numb all the bad feelings. It became a vicious cycle that was my life. I felt trapped, I felt hopeless and I kept gaining weight.
After being picked for the show, and I started losing weight I felt like I was so in control. Once the days turned into weeks and then the weeks turned into months I truly thought I was free of my addiction. It wasn’t until I got some bad news a few months in and I was standing in front of the fridge looking for anything and everything to stuff in my mouth that I realized even though I had been good for months, food was still where I ran when things got tough. This realization scared me. I knew I had some more work to do to be free of my food issues.
A few weeks later I remember I was talking to Chris and I asked him a question that changed my mind and my life. I asked “When will stop having issues with food?” His answer: Never, it will always be a struggle for you. You can get to a better place with food but it will always be an area in life you need to be careful with.
At first this thought depressed me. I wanted to believe there would be a time where I finally arrived with food and would be able to check off that I won the war. A few days later I realized what a gift it was to know the truth. It is empowering to know what you are battling and that you will always have to be on your guard. I then realized how the day to day battles are all won or lost in my mind. I have to keep in the forefront of my mind that I can slip at any time. I have to wake up every single morning and remind myself why I fight each and every battle.
You know what, sometimes I still lose a battle. The difference between then and now is that just because I messed up one day doesn’t mean I give up. I didn’t get to 355 pounds because I had one or two bad days. I learned to get up and brush myself off and move forward. It is never to late to change your direction.